Just gotta say it

It’s been a rough week.  Yeah, I know. world’s smallest violin.  Trying so hard to beat back my depressive thoughts and feelings.  Even with the fiercest fight I loose more than I win.  I was just starting to get a grip when this morning my eyes started in.  Yes, I am over-tired.  That is normal.  Could not say why I don’t go to bed.  Then with a dog and three cats, it can be a challenge to get to sleep.  Anyway, made myself as pretty as I can anymore, those days are kind of done, and had to say, I didn’t look half bad.   Then the eyes started.  They teared and teared and teared.  Teared all the make-up off and I looked like I had been sobbing up a storm.  Then in church they started to sing “You are a good Father” and then the tears weren’t because I have a medical issue, they were real.  I miss my dad so much.  Anyway, the tears continued all through church, so did the nose.  Didn’t stop to visit, came straight home.

Now understand, I love my husband, but it does get so lonely at home.  I have to holler for a conversation, explain what I said, then say never mind.  I fell asleep and I was home, or rather in a home with Mom and Dad and an earlier “love of my life.”    Both Mom and Dad were dying of cancer.  Daddy decided to join the airborne at his age (somewhere between 85 and 93).  It was crazy and mixed up and i wanted to keep my loved ones together and I woke up crying.

All this leaves me feeling seperated from friends and family, it is so hard to beat down, the wound of losing my parents is ripped open over and over and the wound gets bigger, the edges more jagged, the whole think more painful.

I know these are attacks from the evil one, to keep me from accomplishing what God has for me to do.  I can overcome things from the outside, but this, these attacks, the enemy knows the lowest place to hit, that is for sure.

This has been a day

Have you ever had one of those days.  It starts off well enough, I got up, lolled around a bit, took my time, this or that.  Finally left to get fingerprinted but the person was not there so I drove to the other end of town, paid $20 and turned them in in hopes of eventually getting an appointment with the school principal for a sub position.   Then roamed Winn Dixie feeling quite victorious when I found some bottom round roasts on sale 2 for 1 and got a fair amount of supplies for less than $50.  Got to my car and saw I had forgotten my phone (typical) and that I had received 2 calls.  Calls!  No one calls me (except people who want money).

Ches called to say he was at the hospital with his son, Patrick.  Patrick had complained of pain in his head and then his speech became garbled.  Ches took him to the ER and they admitted him.  After all kinds of tests, CAT Scans, blood tests, etc. they were no closer to finding out what was wrong so they transferred him to All Children’s in St. Petersburg.  They will probably not test until tomorrow.

Our cousin, Skip, has no small amount of medical background and knowledge and he suggested that Patrick has a  condition of migraines that is not usually seen in children.  Ches suffers horribly from migraines but he is not able to get help because he does not qualify for Medicare.  He makes less than $5000 a year but does not qualify.  Don’t get me started.

So, now I have Frank, who had a malignant carcinoma and they good half of the side of his face and we hope there are no more to come.  We can continue to pray for Patrick.  For if this migraine diagnosis is it or if it is something else, what does it portend for Patrick and his future?  This condition has ruined Ches’s life but he can’t get help.

I am going to have to get a job.  I can’t resent it, but I am so tired of the trials and the worries.  Can’t say I am excited about working again, but it is obvious we are going to need the money.  I had really hoped to just do my thing, but I need to make my “thing” money.

I have to think about all of this.  There is so much more I haven’t even talked about.  Life is really hard and I am really tired.

Names and what they mean

I have been giving this some thought.  You know, names are supposed to be a reflection of us, our character, our Temperment.  My name, Kathleen is from the Irish and it means “pure”.  Well, it took me some time to get there, but through the Grace of God, I am becoming just that.  God has set about, for years now, refining me and purifying, like pure gold.  I hate the process, but if I would just do His will life would be so much easier.  I pray He never stops making me better.

I think of my eldest son’s name, Frederick.  This means peaceful Ruler.  Erick has his moments, as we all do, but he lives up to his name.  He shows the patience and mercy of our Lord with a wisdom well beyond his years.  It had not been my plan to name him Frederick, but due to family situations, he was so named.  God’s way of setting Erick’s path.

Frank, my second son and my husband.  It means “Free Man” and I must say both of them, in their own way are just that.  Frank Sr. is free in that he is self sufficient all in himself.  He is satisfied with his own company and finds it difficult to socialize.   Yet a kinder, gentler soul you will never meet.  Frank Jr. on the other hand finds his freedom in his lifestyle.  He walks to the beat of his own drummer which has lead to good and bad consequences for him.  I fear his sense of freedom will eventually lead him to one of those “if only” scenarios, but he is a free thinker, takes care of his family and is a wonderful man and father.

Matthew.  I picked that name because I liked how it felt when I said it and how it sounded.  What a treasure he is now.  What does it mean?  Oh my ….  “God’s Gift”!   Years back you could not have convinced me of that, but he has grown and matured and truly is “God’s Gift.”  I now know why God never gave up on him and why I couldn’t, not then, not now, now ever.  Matthew was like the apostle Matthew and has grown just like the apostle.  God has many more things in store for him and will, with Matt’s cooperation, make him a gift to those whose lives he touches.

I could go on but our names are a reflection of what God has in store for us and how  we can bless and be blessed.  Why not look into your name, look at the promise it holds and how it can show you your path in life?  Remember, nothing is as random as we may think and there is a reason we have the names we have.