It’s been a rough week. Yeah, I know. world’s smallest violin. Trying so hard to beat back my depressive thoughts and feelings. Even with the fiercest fight I loose more than I win. I was just starting to get a grip when this morning my eyes started in. Yes, I am over-tired. That is normal. Could not say why I don’t go to bed. Then with a dog and three cats, it can be a challenge to get to sleep. Anyway, made myself as pretty as I can anymore, those days are kind of done, and had to say, I didn’t look half bad. Then the eyes started. They teared and teared and teared. Teared all the make-up off and I looked like I had been sobbing up a storm. Then in church they started to sing “You are a good Father” and then the tears weren’t because I have a medical issue, they were real. I miss my dad so much. Anyway, the tears continued all through church, so did the nose. Didn’t stop to visit, came straight home.
Now understand, I love my husband, but it does get so lonely at home. I have to holler for a conversation, explain what I said, then say never mind. I fell asleep and I was home, or rather in a home with Mom and Dad and an earlier “love of my life.” Both Mom and Dad were dying of cancer. Daddy decided to join the airborne at his age (somewhere between 85 and 93). It was crazy and mixed up and i wanted to keep my loved ones together and I woke up crying.
All this leaves me feeling seperated from friends and family, it is so hard to beat down, the wound of losing my parents is ripped open over and over and the wound gets bigger, the edges more jagged, the whole think more painful.
I know these are attacks from the evil one, to keep me from accomplishing what God has for me to do. I can overcome things from the outside, but this, these attacks, the enemy knows the lowest place to hit, that is for sure.